Halfwit Nation

Delivering the stories THEY don't want you to read, including: People who know how to fucking park on brink of extinction; Fat kids to be chased to school by dogs; Vatican to build huge telescope in hunt for Jesus; Estate agents will starve to death, says upbeat report; UK threat level raised to 'Underpants'; Free bank with every new mobile; Britain strikes gold in sport no one watches; Ferguson apologises to premenstrual Reading fans; Beckham unable to pronounce 'Scientology'. Meanwhile Agony Aunt Petula Soul tackles a diverse range of bizarre sexual problems and astrologer Psychic Bob maps your mystic future ("There's always a chance you'll get something you have been wanting for a long time. But there's a much bigger chance you won't"). Plus: opinion polls, talking dogs and an absolutely gigantic rat.